my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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