I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
