Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
