Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
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