Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
