I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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