This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
