My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
