carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
