I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
