Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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