he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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