I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
