When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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