I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
The beer is more important than you right now.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
