I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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