FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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