i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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