Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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