someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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