I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
