I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
