I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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