I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
