he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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