Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
