Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
