Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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