Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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