If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
