I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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