Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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