the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Randomize
