i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
