If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
