The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
