I just pynch a tree in the face
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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