Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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