I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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