For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i drank out of a bidet.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
