my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
it's great music for shaving your balls
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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