Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
