Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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