after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
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