I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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