It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
