Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
