We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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