Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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