Sacagawea was the original milf.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
