Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
