consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
