I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Randomize
